Here I Am

Think of yourself as a resume.

Your past relationships are your work experience.

To have a strong resume your history has to show consistency, improvement, or stability.

Some jobs you lost were your fault, some you left, some were just a means to an end. But ultimately you were to have learned something from each job to better prepare or set you up for the next one.

When we enter a new relationship we show them our resume.

They don’t know the gory details or how things went down, but they know we’ve been somewhere and through something.

But if you want to get the job, you’ll keep it up to date, accurate, clean, and honest as possible.

You want to prove you are right for the job.

However when many people apply, they’ve gained no new skills, they’ve been fired for their own incompetence, or haven’t put any effort into finding a job that suits them.

But still expect the job.

I see love the same way.

Many people are working on old resumes just like they’re operating in old ways.

But still expecting a healthy, positive, lasting relationship.

Love is the job you are applying for.

To get it where you want it, you’ve got to be qualified and do the work.

It’s not showing someone who you are & forcing them to submit to your beck and call.

I don’t have the qualities you need to be happy, but that’s your problem not mine. Because “that’s just the way I am”

Then wonder why relationships fail.

Why didn’t I get the job?

That’s selfish & poor planning.

To show someone who you are & say it’s my way or the highway. Love me like this forever or leave, isn’t really how it goes.

Don’t get me wrong, you should love you. Be comfortable with who you are. And the person you love should accept you. The job you get should want you.

But they shouldn’t have to break themselves because you’re unwilling to change.

A lot of relationships fail because it’s one person chasing the other, not two people pursuing each other’s genuine hearts.

How foolish to make someone make all the adjustments for you because that’s how you are & how you’ve been, when in actuality your resume has been weak for some time now.

Expecting in a new relationship for someone to blindly follow your lead when it’s apparent that your lead has failed you in the past, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.

If your past job was perfect, would you really be interviewing again?

Relationships fail.

Many times we make it a point to do everything different so we won’t get hurt the same way, we change our approach to love without letting it show itself first.

Putting up walls, guards, a moat, & more as a means to defend ourselves from an expected hurt, without even evaluating ourselves to see what it is we’re protecting.

Doing no research on the job and no personal skill building, but expecting our 401k, vacation days, & a salary increase.

Every new love has new rules, but should remain the same in its nature.

You are loved in spite of your worst characteristics but they are not looked past, you are expected to grow.

If you’ve lost positions in the past because you screwed up, some will understand. You might still be able to rise to the occasion.

Love isn’t about who has remained the same the longest, because to change is a natural part of life.

The person you meet may not be the same person 3 years down the road, and that’s okay as long as they keep the core qualities that got them hired in the first place.

Circumstances change, knowledge adds, people adapt.

You don’t get a gold medal for remaining stubborn and in your old ways, especially if they’ve only gotten you hurt in the past.

Someone can love you in spite of you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do.

Some people strip for a living.

And I think in some way we all should.

Peel back all those layers of distrust, take off those close minded ideologies, get vulnerable and get real.

Strip.

Love is about saying

Here I am

Damaged, imperfect, and maybe a little set in my ways but overall

I’m willing to grow.

I’m willing to drop my own baggage to take this trip with you.

Part of self love is admitting there is always room for growth.

Too many people are too rigid with “That’s how I was raised” or “That’s how my parents are”

As an apple, if you know the tree you fall from, you either stay close or roll the hell on and be as far from their poor qualities as you can.

Your mom and dad brought you life, your past relationships have brought you pain or pleasure, but YOU determine how you will treat someone.

That’s your responsibility.

If your trust issues have you checking phones, lurking on pages, or pushing people away because you’re afraid to get hurt again, that’s you pouring your own insecurities on the next innocent person who hasn’t even gotten the chance to show you what they’re about.

Of course, trust is earned.

But if you enter a new place not willing to trust, there is nothing.

No foundation and nowhere to build to.

A person has to go through hoops and hell not just to prove they’re trustworthy, but to fight your demons.

But they’re already supposed to love and look past the distrustful nature you show, the controlling behavior, the acts of manipulation, the lack of compassion?

That’s not how it goes.

Definitely not how you get the job.

They’re supposed to do all the work and you do nothing because this is how you are and always have been?

No wonder your resume is weak.

Somd people who have lost jobs and stay unemployed by continuing to blame a system instead of evaluating their own work ethic.

It’s really something to talk to someone highly knowledgeable about their worst qualities, but they choose not to change them and place blame on others for them.

All in all, keep your resume honest. Keep it organized.

Your history doesn’t have to be extensive, but it should show progress.

Don’t play yourself trying to get jobs you don’t deserve if you’re not willing to do the work to keep them. If you’re not willing to leave bad habits behind to be a better employee. If you can’t acknowledge why the last job didn’t work out.

I used to be upset about jobs I didn’t get, relationships that didn’t work. But now, I know my resume is strong. And that I have no need putting all my efforts into a temp job with no benefits when I could have the career of my dreams.

Chase the the “job” you want for your lifestyle, the one that’s good for you. Assess your qualities, your downfalls, your strengths & weaknesses. Do your research & in the process of interviewing have trust that the job you choose, will also choose you and thus support your life and it’s needs. If you fail or it fails you, just add it to your resume, learn from your mistakes, and give yourself time to apply again.

Your dream job is out there, but you have to earn it too.

Comfort Zones

habits formed like callouses
handling adversity with padded fallacies 

routine fell to normality while the thought of change shattered the glass that stood between me & my comfort zone

alone I made choices that staggered my growth

unable to let go of the pillows of complacency that surrounded me

I surrendered 

rendered a piercing cry so loud it shook my foundation

broke me in half

and let me part ways with the self that played the fool

death to the worst of me

growth to the rest of me

mdm

Comfort Zone

A friend once told me that in life,

“You must get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”

In other words, our beloved
“Comfort Zone” is not our place of permanent residency.

When it comes to growth and comfort, there is a level of sacrifice.

It’s a balance.

Just as if you’ll never see the Eiffel Tower or any number of things if you refuse to leave the comfort of your own home, it is the same with personal experiences and adversity.

You must shed the desire to remain comfortable at all times and challenge yourself to go the distance.

We often confuse familiarity with comfort and allow ourselves to stay in a situation that is no longer benefiting us.

Whether it be a job, a school environment, a relationship, or a state of mind, we get used to how it operates and it becomes familiar.

The problem with that is accepting a minimal output of good energy versus operating at our highest caliber.

Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean you’re actually comfortable with it. You may have just as easily fallen into a routine & or even worse you’re just afraid.

Being familiar does not equate comfort, and comfort does not simply make way for growth.

Only doing what you know & what you know you’re good at, isn’t going to push you to be the best.

It’s okay to start low and work your way up. To put a little pressure on yourself to build character and extend your natural abilities.

If you wish to stay comfortable and are closed off to change, you will sacrifice yourself the knowledge you gain from growth.

However by sacrificing a bit of your comfort to step out on a limb, you gain experience and depth of who you are.

That’s why we must abdicate a level of comfort to succeed.

We must be skeptical and question the things before us all the while believing we are capable of following through.

You must leave your comfort zone sometime. You can’t stay there forever.

Leaving your comfort zone you open your world up to a new spectrum of normal, recognizable, & believable circumstances that while once unheard of, are now things you now actively participate in.

Being uncomfortable does not make you incapable of success, it’s how you can approach that feeling that allows you to thrive.

If you’ve been stuck in the same place or just living around what’s familiar, it might be time for you and your comfort zone to take a little break.

-from a mermaid with love

Let my insecurities paint a tapestry of piss poor apologies I’ll never make..
Leave onlookers to stand in awe in a room full of my flaws & find their favorite piece, as I search for mine.
When they thirst after my perception may they swallow the sweet nothings of what they’ll never find.
For it’s the tears of my somber soliloquies that filled the holy grail that is my self love, which now runs over.
Allow me to be consumed by the light I long diminished in the presence of those who were too accustomed to darkness.
As my words found hiding in my spirit, my passions erupt not from anger but a completion of time and desires that laid dormant in my soul.
My touch never seeking retaliation even at the hands of my abuser.
I am nature at its finest, nurtured by a world that knows not itself.
I found God in me & learned to love her in all forms.
For when she was an empty cup, unspoken words, potential energy, or a candle flickering in a dark room.
She [still] was.
You can write the stories of my love
Fill them with my faults and discrepancies
The anger
While
I write stories of my worth
Fill them with my glory
My pain
My promise to never let someone change me
Box me in
Or forget how beautiful I am
Make your list of my lies & what I lacked
what I lost by losing you
But my book will look nothing like your blame
My picture will be framed
Because I knew I was worth it
You can twist my words for your own support
Fragments of my actuality pieced together in savage thought
Obscure and demure
But I will write myself a future
I know my honest past
It was never meant to last and you told me we didn’t belong
Why be angry you won?
That you were right
Take delight in your victory
Just know with it you lost me
Some soldiers never make it home from the fight
I became a war hero
Our love a battlefield and I carry my scars with purpose
Shaken
Disturbed
Changed
And humbled by my pain
I am anew
That’s what leaving you can do
Does it frustrate you?
That my world refused to deteriorate at your absence
That I chose not to include you in my infinite moment
I pray will happen
To be a stronger cosmic force than the narcissism that nested because I gave home away.
But I’ve been stronger than I’ll ever admit to
And when I gaze in the mirror I will never see you or what you made
I see my debts paid
My hair laid
An author of the story God gives me credit for
Holy ghostwriter to
A soul unswayed.

-from mermaid with love.

Dear Mr. Frank Ocean

I know everyone is looking to you, waiting for you to give us more.
More albums, more music, more songs…

The media hasn’t let up since you let us know a new side of you. I guess they think pink matters somehow..
I do know that the world is in dire need of music that makes us feel something real.
Finding ourselves always waiting, wondering, considering, complaining, but are we listening?
We all try to, but most of us don’t.
As listeners we’re selfish.
We listen for ourselves without realizing the heart it comes from.

The thing about me is I’ve never been much of a listener, but I listened to you.
Your music made me a fan of your heart.
I know that is what you poured into everything you gave us.
Songs for women, men, black, white, she, he & all people engaged in the human experience.
You laid your soul on soundtracks I’ll slap like oldies until the pyramids cease to exist. Your pain became ours.
But your pain was yours too.
So as a fan of your heart,
I am not impatiently waiting for an album or even patiently waiting for a track.
I am thanking you for the transparency of your spirit that you put in every project.
Thank you for giving us a sweet lifetime of unforgettable memories.
Your music came to start at a time when most of us didn’t know how truly lost we were. Setting wildfires of passion in our lives.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with, I just want you to know that I’m thinkin bout you. And maybe if you have one, someday I’ll be invited to your american wedding because there will be tears.

I hope you don’t need the novacane now that you’re somewhere swimming good.
-from a mermaid with love.

#Hashtag

I’m just one hashtag away.
One voice level too loud or response too “sassy”.
A video that’s missing one too many pixels for a news post to include the crucial detail that is my innocence, shrouded in the negligence that is our system.
One wrong place at the wrong time…
The laws don’t protect us from a corrupt mentality,
Nor do they replenish or replace a gaping absence of morality.
I’m one hashtag away
From mugshots taken without a blink, not to mention without a heartbeat now that I think.
I’m one blinker away from the
last ride of my life.
Bodies laid against the cement. Tears rolling off pained faces into the pavement.
My skin sweater is the most dangerous weapon they see.
Melanin marveled as much as murdered in this modern day slavery.
The bravery it takes, to walk out our houses each day
In a hoodie or a suit they got Trayvon & Martin the same way.
So don’t ever tell me about Dr. King, his dream, & what he died for.
He didn’t die, they killed him in cold blood for the same peace we now fight for.
Who do you call?
When those expected to protect reject you.
Fear you too much to hear you.
Falling victim to the institution that won’t listen.
To our cries muffled to silence but we never stop hearing sirens, ice cream trucks & gunshots.
The lullaby of the ghetto…
We are merely Pinocchio to the systematic Geppetto, but who is it that tells the most lies?
Our noses & lips already far too wide to hide behind podiums, and badges.
Our sheets? Stay tucked into our mattresses.
Yet somehow we’re the ones losing sleep.
We’re the ones proving ourselves so history won’t repeat.
In a new age. New pain. New method of attack.
Instead of the nooses or whips to our back, our victims hang for the world double crossed as hashtags.
I’m just one hashtag away.

For Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Walter Scott, Freddie Gray, Alton Streling, Nia Wilson and the countless black lives lost in this racial race towards equality.

We will forever stand for your dream Dr. King.

-from a mermaid with love.